Creative Desperation and the Prospect of Weather-Induced Insomnia 20.08.14

NB. Before beginning to read:  I am not a Weather-Man, so any of the following statements I make have no basis in fact, just my findings and experience.

My whole family get headaches.  ‘Nothing unusual there’ I hear you cry!  I have a very vivid memory of my Gran coming over one Sunday for lunch when Laura and I were children.  The clouds gathered outside and we were all out of sorts; my Mother was irritable (this was long before her crazy-menopause days), my sister and I couldn’t settle and my Gran was very quiet.  My Mum declared she had a headache.  My Gran declared she did as well.  So did I.  So did my sister.  What was going on?  My Gran declared “There must be a thunder storm coming.”  We sat down to eat a little while later.  The heavens opened with a god-almighty thunder crack.  Not long after, the brain-tension was relieved by nothing other than a break in the weather. 

I’ve met a few other people who experience this as well; I don’t have a clue what causes it (Best guess that I can summon is that it’s to do with the changes in pressure… But that is a massive guess!) but I do get “weather headaches”.  

Over the last few days, I’ve noticed another common phenomena.  A lot of people are struggling to sleep.  The children next door are evidence to this – more specifically, the screaming and shouting of their father on Tuesday night which scared the living day lights out of me.  I rarely sleep with the curtains closed (it’s too dark if I do) and my neighbours lights were going off and on all night.  There seemed to be more traffic on the roads.  Low and behold when I got into work the next day, a lot of people were tired due to a lack of sleep. 

In my own special world, given how rapid the change has been from Glorious Summer to Sudden Autumn, I can’t help but wonder if there is some sort of a pattern here?!  A massive change in the weather and now lots of people cannot sleep?  The nights seem to have suddenly drawn in earlier.  My summer quilt is not keeping me warm enough.  It’s cold until nearly midday.  Something’s up in the ether.

More than that though, I’m off my game.  I’m pulling my head out of my arse as far as work is concerned and getting a lot done for being able to see a little better (head-up-butt is not a good view).  As far as anything else is concerned though, I’m really not firing on all cylinders.  I am thinking very specifically of one particular area; my writing. 

I am quite sure that there ought to be some ebb and flow in the creative process.  I’m almost positive that dry spells are natural.  I’m positive that I cannot be alone in this experience.  I want to write.  I have put a “viewing ban” on for the last two nights to make sure I don’t have the excuse of ‘Oh, but one more episode of Modern Family couldn’t possibly be a bad thing!’   Yes, Michael.  Three episodes later, it is a bad thing.  Despite this full intention and commitment to do some writing… Nothing.  Not a word.  Truth be told, the reason I am writing this blog is because the one and only thing I can think to write about is how I have nothing to say – the irony, whilst frustrating, is by no means lost on me.   

I had to accept a while ago that writing was going to be hard whilst I had a full time job; it’s hard to maintain my energy levels, keep in touch and see people, do a full time job, keep on top of a house and get enough sleep, as well as writing for a hobby.  It wasn’t something I much liked coming to terms with, but I’ve had to.  Sadly, my winning lottery ticket has yet to be delivered by the Supernatural-Forces-that-be, so I’m going to need my job until further notice; my dream of riding off on a fictional-horse to write is sadly on hold.

The frustration is that even though I have no excuses not to write – the TV is off, I have eaten, my ironing is done, my house is tidy and I’m conscious – but I don’t have any inspiration to write. 

It’s got to a point of yearning now.  I have an ache within me to write or draw or… something!  That too, comes and goes.  Sometimes I can coax it out.  Sometimes it comes to find me and monopolises my mind.  All I’ve thought about today is a) What to have for my dinner and b) Writing something when I get home.

Another convenience of living alone is that I don’t have real live human people to interact with; my former house mates used to provide very convenient procrastination when I was avoiding a writing project.  Terrible of me to admit, of course, but true nonetheless!  I don’t think they minded me bunking off from my short story to spend time with them… I hope they don’t now that I’ve admitted that.

Despite the quiet, the comfort, the convenience and the urge to write… Still nothing.  So for this reason, I have concluded: It’s the weather.  There is no other “rational” (kidding!) reason for this.  It must be to do with the drop in temperature and the nights seeming to arrive sooner that then were, and the cold and my duvet needing swapping.  The sleep-stealing atmospherics and my writers block are, without (self) doubt inextricably linked. 

My solution to this situation?  Well, there is where I’m struggling.  I’m writing my blog to vocalise said frustrations (which makes me feel much better as it happens!).  I have made myself a cuppa.  The TV is turned off.   What do I do now?

Last nights and tonight's chilled out music choice... 

I’ve been reading a book that’s designed to help reduce stress… and it’s working so far.  I might do a review of it when I’m done.  One of the things it recommends to reduce stress in any given situation is to accept things exactly as they are.   Yes, I want to write some fiction.  No, I have nothing fiction-ish to say.  And breathe.   Other than that, right now, is there anything I can do?   Well, I guess there is; trying.  Granted, it’s difficult to try and write anything when I don’t have anything to say.  Considering I have nothing to say, this blog is already more than 1000 words long.  Perhaps there is a fault in my logic.

All of that in mind, it’s just started spitting outside, I need to put my clean washing away and come up with an idea for a best-selling novel… Things to do before I sleep! 

Any ideas on how you could help?  Leave me a comment.  Hope this finds you well. Xx

Avoiding escapism 03.08.14

Despite promising myself I would write on my blog more often… Well, it’s been a while.  Welcome back me!

In a flippant comment to a friend via text, I realised that the first thing I do when I get stressed out is stop.  Stop being stressed?  No, no.  That consumes my life.  I carry it around like a huge train-spotter coat, soaking wet, dragging me down like a lead weight.  I mean I stop everything else.  I stop doing things I should do that make my life easier – I don’t cook well for myself and in some rare occasions, I don’t eat at all (Things have to be really dire for my appetite to subside); I don’t keep on top of the housework; I don’t go to the super market and buy the food that I won’t eat or bother to cook; I don’t speak to my friends about it.

I do manage to watch a ridiculous amount of media though; YouTube, Netflix, DVDs –of which I have many.  This might not sound like the worst thing in the world.  I am, after all, a lover of the visual medium, so what’s wrong with my indulging in some escapism?

Most of what I do for fun is some manner of escapism:

I draw or paint – Don’t like the world you’re in?  Make a new one!

I take photographs – find a moment you like and keep it forever.

I write – a whole new world for me to play in; one I’m in control of… It’s a good job I’m not in therapy or that one sentence would have cost me a fortune.

I listen to music – transported out of your world in to another, carried by the tune and images conjured by someone else.

Almost anything and everything I do as a hobby or to pass the time is some manner of escapism.  One would think that a sensible thing to do in a time of stress would be to throw oneself headlong into such a blissful state of existence.  No.  Not if you’re me.  Why on EARTH would I do something so calming and cathartic?  I’ll just turn my brain off and stare at Pinterest for a few hours, ignoring the pile of ironing I’m not doing…  No hypocrisy at all considering what I’m doing as I type is actively avoiding the ironing.

I digress.

For some reason, as soon as life (work in particular) starts to get on top of me, I stop everything else I’m doing.  I have to admit in the last year, I haven’t been shutting my friends out.  That is a conscious and active effort on my part.  I don’t want to keep people out when things are crappy.  That’s the worst idea I’ve ever had.  If I’m sulking, cocooning under a blanket is totally acceptable.  If I’m having a conflict between the idealised version of reality I want and the one I have to put up with, why not tell people about it?  They’re meant to love me for exactly who I am… Poor fools that they are.

Reading?  I’ve been nursing the same book for over a month. 

Writing?  I’ve written less than a thousand words in July.

Drawing?  I’ve drawn an eye.  Woop.

Photography?  I've taken a single picture - here it is; a coat I saw (and couldn't afford) in the Trafford Centre a few days ago.

What point am I trying to make?  I suppose I’m trying to share something that I very much doubt I’m alone in doing.

The media seems to have managed to convince us that trials and suffering are a good thing.  In the end we will get what we want if we keep striving for it.  If we give in, we lose everything.  Screw the media – religion is where that little myth started.  Whilst we’re striving and yearning and aching towards our brighter tomorrow, I doubt I’m the only person who stops giving myself those things that I like and enjoy; baths, escapism through reading and writing, enjoying the scenery through a camera, throwing paint around and making pretty shapes.  Whatever it is that floats your boat on a day to day basis, I can almost guarantee that it will be one of the first things you ditch when the going gets tough.

Sounds very Catholic to me.

My solution; be mindful of how you spend your time.  I’m a bugger for this.  I can hear Brave Frontier (immensely addictive game, available on the iTunes App Store for the iPhone 5) whispering to me as I type.  I procrastinate, promising myself I’ll get round to doing something in a minute… That minute never comes.  The book doesn’t move off my side table.  I stop writing in my diary.  The food in my fridge goes off.  Worse than all of that, I console myself that the progress I’ve made on my app-game is ACTUAL progress.  Be mindful of what you are spending your time avoiding doing.  Why?  Because it makes you happy?  Worst reason to stop doing anything in my opinion.

Another solution; force yourself to do the things you don’t want to do.  Easier said than done.  I know.  I’m lazy when miserable.  Getting off my butt to urinate can be a huge effort some days (In fact, when I’m being incredibly lazy, I’ll wait for the desire to drink tea combines with my need to evacuate my bladder).  Truth be told, the more we do, the more we want to do.  We gather momentum and it helps us be more productive because we are already being productive.  It helps and gives motivation.  Start with something little and an easy win.  Work your way up to the big things or the ones you really would rather avoid.  Make sure you flavour your time with something you really love to do.  Ironing to do?  Read a chapter of your book when you’re finished.  Laundry to put away?  Write a blog post and share it. 

I hope all of you out there have had a lovely weekend and are optimistic for the week ahead.  Me?  I’m hopeful.  And now, I’ve got ironing to do. 

Best Wishes. xx