My inner comedian, doing voices and perceptions - 13.10.13

I like to think that I'm funny and that might be part of the problem.  I know my own sense of humour very well; I am a very simple creature when it comes to making me chuckle.  Innuendo, sexual humour, silliness in general and a well worded pun are almost always going to get the giggle juices flowing. 

I'm less worried these days about the voice in my head.  Having checked in with some definitely sane people to discover that they have chats with themselves in their heads as well, I don’t feel the need to be concerned about myself.  Whilst I'm conducting these internal chats, I quite often think things are funny.  It goes both ways; sometimes, I have a go at myself.  On the way to start writing this, I spilt a cup of tea on the stairs and have only just stopped telling myself what a plank I am.  But I digress.

The point is, when it comes to sharing these thoughts aloud with people, they aren't funny.  In fact, I'm often perceived as, well, odd.  That would even be kind.  I think a few of my colleagues would take the point a lot further.  The comedian Eddie Izzard will often deploy a fake notepad on the palm of his hand make a note of when he isn't amusing his audience, which I love and take as my own now.  That often gets me odd looks. 

I've always been aware of the way that people look at me.  When I was in school, I often thought the word “weirdo” or “queer” was tattooed on my forehead because it seemed to be the general consensus of total strangers and passers-by.  Things haven’t really changed much over the years, only I've become more comfortable with the situation.  Yes, I'm a little odd, and yes I like men – if you’d like to make a complaint, write any comments on the back of a self addressed envelope and then shove them up your ass.  It would be a total lie to say that I don’t care entirely.  I wish it was the case, but at heart I am a people pleaser.  I don’t want people to be made to feel uncomfortable by my off beat perspective on life and my odd sense of humour. 

But quickly, you hit an impasse.  If being myself in a very controlled and restricted environment makes people a little uncomfortable, should I moderate myself down in order to make others more comfortable?  And right there is the problem.  I ALREADY AM.  If people think I'm bad now, they should pop in my head for a little visit.  They should hear my internal monologue.  They should witness the constant parade of media clips and one liners.  Its constant.  If you imagine the inner world of Ally McBeal (circa season 1-3 before they forgot about her awesome imagination), then you’re in the right head space. 

The problem at its core ultimately is perception; I perceive myself one way and the rest of the world perceives me another.  Within that separation of perceptions, there is a whole spectrum of people – those who connect with my crazy and those who look at me like I have two heads when I turn on my Gollum voice and quote Lord of the Rings.

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A common saying I've heard many times in my life is “It wouldn't do for us all to be the same” and the older I get the more I think that’s a giant crock of shit, particularly in the work environment.  We have dress codes and uniforms, rules and regulations over our conduct and the way we work.  Uniformity is the key to big business.  It needs to be.  Consistency is required in order for work to be productive and profitable.  Whilst I understand that, it is not my business I work for and I like to pass the day with the odd film quote, a random story about a bird flying in the house whilst I put the bins out with my house-mate and singing the same song lyric sporadically until it stops playing in my head.

The same goes for my personal life.  I can only assume one of the reasons I don’t do well at making friends is because people need to take time to realise I don’t need to be medicated or sectioned.   Whilst I might not give the most sane of first impressions, it is probably the most accurate one.  Most people are more complex and intricate than they first appear.  I'm an idealist who believes we ought to be able to be who we really are, as long as we don’t make people run to the hills or get out the tranquillisers.  If that means toning it down, I am happy to, but that’s as far as I will go.

All of that being said, I am willing to take feedback to become funnier.  It’s always awkward being the only one laughing at a joke, particularly when it’s my own.