Going through my old book of thoughts and scribbling, I
found a little entry about my desire to find solitude and that sometimes, I
just need to be alone. Other times, I find that I need to have the company of those I love. I always think I’m the living
embodiment of “Leave Me Alone, I’m Lonely” by P!nk (Edit… I like to think…).
I was poorly in the middle of September and spent the
majority of my time alone. As an
extension of that situation, most of that time was spent exclusively delving around
in my mind. I was writing more and kept
realising the same thing over and over; I had somehow managed to isolate myself
from those I loved. I was keeping in
touch with them; I could see that by looking at the messages in my phone or on
Facebook. Despite knowing that I am far
from a fan of digital-facsimile friendships, apart from my family and
housemate, I had reduced myself to nothing more or less.
I spent so long romanticising the concept of being alone and
having time and space to myself, I had
gotten what I wanted – isolation. And I
despised myself. I was wracked with guilt. Maybe I’d just given people the escape ladder
they needed to get out of a crappy friendship with me. I have mentioned on here before “purging” my
Facebook and my life of fake friendships.
What if those I loved had thought the same of me? Was this karma? What’s a boy to do when the penny drops there
is something wrong? Cry all over his
sister, durr!
I’m not prone to accepting people’s advice on anything. I dispense very well, but personal adoption
and application of the same, I suck at. I
truly believe – for better or worse – that I could run my loved ones lives
better and more efficiently than they do.
I’m not a complete crazy – I also believe that others would do a better
job with mine. Friends and family have
insights into us and our lives that we simply miss. So what do we do? Turn to them in an hour of need and ask for
help… Which we then ignore, because we know better.
This time, I didn't want to do that; I didn't want to carry
on as I was and knew Laura would tell me what to do (No change there; she’d
been doing that since we were kids!).
The difference was this time, I knew she would tell me the same thing as
I was thinking. I just needed to reach
out to the people I loved and they would reach back. She didn’t put it in such a poetic way of
course. My sister, administer of common
sense, told me to get a grip and get in touch with people. And this I did.
I’ve reconnected with people I truly love and adore. I have an innate ability to surround myself
with those I consider to be extraordinary and their presence in my life, even
if only briefly, makes me feel extraordinary too. I don’t go in for the “unique snow flake”
approach to the human race. Only some
people are different. I’m different, but
not always in good ways. The people I
mean are truly wonderful, and this is a little love letter to them. You guys rock!
But this isn’t all there is to say. I wasn’t entirely wrong about my
situation. I was right and I do need my
space and my time to myself. After two
weekends in a row being sociable, I find myself mentally exhausted. There are other factors of course – work is
far from a barrel of laughs at present and I’m cruising head long into the
obligatory birthday blues.
Last year, I read ‘Quiet.
The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking’ by Susan
Cain. That book taught me an awful lot
about myself. I had never considered
myself to be an introvert before and had a lot of negative assumptions about
what it meant to be one. I was wrong
almost completely. The key element that I took away from the book was not that I
needed a cave to live in. I learnt that
there is a balance that must be struck in life for everyone, but for
introverts, they are more susceptible to ebbs and flows when the balance is
off. She refers to it as the “Sweet
Spot” which is the perfect description of it.
It refers to everything across the board; the volume of the music or the television when
I’m trying to concentrate; the amount of work I need to get through when I’m
feeling stressed or the lack of it when I’m bored to tears. It also applies perfectly to being
sociable. I need to work on finding my
social sweet spot; making the effort with those I love so I get to see them but
also allowing myself the time I need to process and make sense of everything,
drink too much tea and dance around my kitchen (If I feel the need!).
It comes as a constant surprise, even at 26, there is still
so much that to learn about how to make myself happy and content. I know for a fact though, that I need time to
think and time to talk. As for right now, it’s time for me to cuddle
up with my hot water bottle and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, home alone and
perfectly content.
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