The Contextual Framework of Priorities, avoiding conflict and making time for reading 21.01.14

A long time, in fact, *goes back to original notebook to check* on the 3^rd December 2012, I was living with my sister and her fiancé.  We lived in the next town from Blackburn, where I was and continue to work.  This involved a bus ride to get home, followed by a very strenuous half an hour walk entirely uphill.

One windy and dreary day, the bus began the descent down one of many hills towards my stop.  That day, I remember quite distinctly how frustrated I had been that a colleague had implied that I didn't know how to prioritise.  Just to compound the issue, the chap I had been dating – that didn't last long at all and least said, soonest mended – had implied that I didn't know how to prioritise our new and fledgling relationship within my life.

As a person, I am comfortable in admitting one of my biggest flaws is being defensive.  I can’t help it.  In nature, the fight or flight response manifests itself in me as follows: 

1. I feel criticised 
2.  I get defensive
3. I runaway and stop speaking to people until the situation goes away.

It is, by far, not one of my more attractive qualities and one that I am working on improving as I grow up – It is definitely not a mature response to any sort of confrontation, but having ear marked it as evolution and survival instinct, I've given myself the “Get out of Jail Free” card on it for a little too long. 

The bus hit traffic and my stop remained out of reach for a little while longer.  When I travel, unless the god of technology should forsake me, I listen to music.  Particularly after a bad day, which this had been, it helps me not to mull it over too much.  Let’s be honest, something we all need to accept more readily is that when the day is done, there is nothing more you could have done or anything you might have done better.  Plugging myself In to the wonderful world of music helps with this enormously.  On this occasion, it hadn't stopped the dwelling process entirely.  One question sprung into my mind, quite abruptly and with no warming.  The question proved to give quite a violent response and I had a little sob in my lonely  seat at the back of the bus:

Who decides what matters?

It can be people, places, possessions, a sentimental attachment to a shoe lace, but we attach priorities to all manner of things, no matter what they might be.  The problem with that question is the answer because its so glaringly obvious.  We all do.  Every single one of us has a stake in the world we share.  Consequently and unfortunately, we are going to clash periodically when we encounter someone who has a different agenda and set of priorities to ourselves. Overall, it means we can’t win. 

Most workplaces will generate such conflicts. I used to work in management for retail.  I hope never again in my working life will I fall victim to such a huge clash of different priorities that become the way you work.  The customer thinks they’re most important, you have a store visit from your area manager any minute to inspect your visual merchandising and you haven’t finished the tidy up because you've taken £300 more than your target in the last hour, and a staff member is waiting to be given their return to work interview after a period of absence.  Plus, atop all that, you haven’t finished your rota revision because three people have decided they can’t work their set shifts.  The delivery arrives, as the area manager walks in and someone asks “Do these shoes come in half sizes?”  None of us can please everyone all the time.

On the walk home, in the rain, I had to walk down one hill before I could climb the next, where home was.  On the second leg of the journey, another thought popped into my head; an answer to the question of how can anyone ever get their priorities right, when everyone has their own agenda.  The simple answer was still that you never can.  The reason why was the epiphany, and it really did make me feel better: I called the Contextual Framework of Priorities.

The basic principle off the framework is accepting that in our work or personal lives, our priorities are not always going to match up with everyone else’s.  As soon as you accept that, you are ready for step 2:  Your agenda and responsibilities might be lesser than someone else’s.  Step 3 is by far the hardest to come to terms with: everyone’s priorities are always in a constant state of flux. If you have a loved one in hospital, ensuring you get to their visiting time is an entirely different prospect to getting to say your final goodbye.  At anytime where something more important comes to your attention, which becomes your top priority.  And that happens for everyone else too.  Our own goal posts are moving and everyone else is moving theirs.

Image found: http://mdcoastdispatch.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Thngs-to-do2.jpg

Naturally, that is going to generate a certain amount of conflict.  The attitude adjustment that we all need to make is to make sure the conflict of interests that we all experience doesn't end up being a confrontation. We all need to work on communicating the urgency of what we are asking for and compromise where we can.  From personal experience, I know that creative problem solving can come from these situations.

The reason all of this came into my head at all was my realisation that I waste a lot of my own private time.  I’m not writing the things I want to write.  I’m not reading the books I want to read.  Computer games, art projects, the list could go on for a while, but the fact remains, I’m not getting this stuff done.  And part of my 2014 aim is to make sure I’m prioritising the things I REALLY want against my willingness to be lazy.  I’m putting myself into a conflict that means I actually get to do things I want – I finished a book this Sunday: Joyland by Stephen King.  Exceptional book.  Read it! 

I have had lazy days, don’t get me wrong.  The thing is, if I want this year to be a better one, all I have to do is look at my priorities and keep in mind what they really are.  As soon as I start to slip, confront myself with them and resolve to do better.  I think that this year all of us could do with remembering our priorities and making sure we achieve them and help whoever we can achieve theirs.

Internet Security Bytes 20.11.13

Tonight, my mission, as I have chosen to accept it, is to rid my computer of malware and spyware.  Now, for those of you naively assuming all is well on your computer, join me in the land of paranoia and angst.  Is it really all ok? 

For a while, I have noticed that when I load Chrome, my normal homepage was missing, replaced with a search engine, MySearchDial.com.  Never heard of it either, eh?  I Googled it to see what it was and was stunned to discover it was Spyware.  Of all the indecent things to discover!  How the hell had that gotten there?  I have no idea how and am still wondering.  It turns out to be completely harmless.  Yet, I don’t want it there.  Why is it there?  How can I get rid of it? 

I browsed my way through forum and help webpage over and over again; like all good things in the world that you might not be familiar with, you can find a Youtube video to assist you in getting rid of the blighter.  Yet, even after several hours of jumping back and forth from safe mode and haphazardly deleting parts of my registry, I was no nearer to having my beloved Google Chrome homepage back.

It has been my evenings obsession.  I had run various virus searches, over and over again.  Nothing.  I uninstalled, reinstalled, deleted bookmarks, backed them up, added them, removed them.  Nothing.  And after all of this, I managed to find a wonderful website http://malwaretips.com/blogs/start-mysearchdial-removal/ that allowed me to completely remove the little shitbag from my computer forever.  I’ve added the little gem to my bookmarks, just in case this ever happens again.

I share this with you lovely people because nowadays we keep so much personal and private information on our computers, we should be very careful about what we do (and don’t) allow past our firewalls and to worm its way into our browsers. 

Its more than that though.  For me personally, I’m a control freak and like my computer and my phone a very specific way.  If I change something, it’s because I want it like that.  Some naughty piece of software changing my digital landscape without permission is not what I asked for.  There have been countless changes to Facebook over the years that have proven how resistant to change I can be.  Sometimes, when things change, it turns out to be better than it was before (the new iphone iOS for example). Other times, not so much.  In this instance, I’m more than happy to announce the return to how I want my browser to be.

As I type this, my new friend, 'Malware Bytes' (http://www.malwarebytes.org/products/malwarebytes_free/) is working its way through my computer and finding me new things to worry about.  That’s part of the bigger problem for a lot of us I think.  There is so much in this world for us to worry about.  The things we worry about the most are things like spyware, malware, identity theft and on the list goes.  The truth is that we have no idea how any of this stuff works; that’s why we’re afraid for our digital selves.  The real truth, as I see it?  There is very little difference now to how things were thirty years ago; you feel perfectly safe in your home until you’re away on holiday and your house is broken into.  The violation is no different.  It’s a strange thing to discover how much stock you really put into your digital reality, until some irritating search engine just won’t go away.  Suddenly, my paranoid digital eye is roaming far and wide.

 I currently have 17 pieces of malware, and rising. 

Image borrowed from http://main.makeuseoflimited.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/computer-virus.jpg

Solitude, Sociability and the Sweet Spot - 15.10.13

Going through my old book of thoughts and scribbling, I found a little entry about my desire to find solitude and that sometimes, I just need to be alone.  Other times, I find that I need to have the company of those I love.  I always think I’m the living embodiment of “Leave Me Alone, I’m Lonely” by P!nk (Edit… I like to think…). 

I was poorly in the middle of September and spent the majority of my time alone.  As an extension of that situation, most of that time was spent exclusively delving around in my mind.  I was writing more and kept realising the same thing over and over; I had somehow managed to isolate myself from those I loved.  I was keeping in touch with them; I could see that by looking at the messages in my phone or on Facebook.  Despite knowing that I am far from a fan of digital-facsimile friendships, apart from my family and housemate, I had reduced myself to nothing more or less. 

I spent so long romanticising the concept of being alone and having  time and space to myself, I had gotten what I wanted – isolation.  And I despised myself.  I was wracked with guilt.  Maybe I’d just given people the escape ladder they needed to get out of a crappy friendship with me.  I have mentioned on here before “purging” my Facebook and my life of fake friendships.  What if those I loved had thought the same of me?  Was this karma?  What’s a boy to do when the penny drops there is something wrong?  Cry all over his sister, durr!

I’m not prone to accepting people’s advice on anything.  I dispense very well, but personal adoption and application of the same, I suck at.  I truly believe – for better or worse – that I could run my loved ones lives better and more efficiently than they do.  I’m not a complete crazy – I also believe that others would do a better job with mine.  Friends and family have insights into us and our lives that we simply miss.  So what do we do?  Turn to them in an hour of need and ask for help… Which we then ignore, because we know better. 

This time, I didn't want to do that; I didn't want to carry on as I was and knew Laura would tell me what to do (No change there; she’d been doing that since we were kids!).  The difference was this time, I knew she would tell me the same thing as I was thinking.  I just needed to reach out to the people I loved and they would reach back.  She didn’t put it in such a poetic way of course.  My sister, administer of common sense, told me to get a grip and get in touch with people.  And this I did.

I’ve reconnected with people I truly love and adore.  I have an innate ability to surround myself with those I consider to be extraordinary and their presence in my life, even if only briefly, makes me feel extraordinary too.  I don’t go in for the “unique snow flake” approach to the human race.  Only some people are different.  I’m different, but not always in good ways.  The people I mean are truly wonderful, and this is a little love letter to them.  You guys rock!

But this isn’t all there is to say.  I wasn’t entirely wrong about my situation.  I was right and I do need my space and my time to myself.  After two weekends in a row being sociable, I find myself mentally exhausted.  There are other factors of course – work is far from a barrel of laughs at present and I’m cruising head long into the obligatory birthday blues.

Last year, I read ‘Quiet.  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking’ by Susan Cain.  That book taught me an awful lot about myself.  I had never considered myself to be an introvert before and had a lot of negative assumptions about what it meant to be one.  I was wrong almost completely. The key element that I took away from the book was not that I needed a cave to live in.  I learnt that there is a balance that must be struck in life for everyone, but for introverts, they are more susceptible to ebbs and flows when the balance is off.  She refers to it as the “Sweet Spot” which is the perfect description of it.  It refers to everything across the board; the  volume of the music or the television when I’m trying to concentrate; the amount of work I need to get through when I’m feeling stressed or the lack of it when I’m bored to tears.  It also applies perfectly to being sociable.    I need to work on finding my social sweet spot; making the effort with those I love so I get to see them but also allowing myself the time I need to process and make sense of everything, drink too much tea and dance around my kitchen (If I feel the need!). 

It comes as a constant surprise, even at 26, there is still so much that to learn about how to make myself happy and content.  I know for a fact though, that I need time to think and time to talk.  As for right now, it’s time for me to cuddle up with my hot water bottle and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, home alone and perfectly content.

My inner comedian, doing voices and perceptions - 13.10.13

I like to think that I'm funny and that might be part of the problem.  I know my own sense of humour very well; I am a very simple creature when it comes to making me chuckle.  Innuendo, sexual humour, silliness in general and a well worded pun are almost always going to get the giggle juices flowing. 

I'm less worried these days about the voice in my head.  Having checked in with some definitely sane people to discover that they have chats with themselves in their heads as well, I don’t feel the need to be concerned about myself.  Whilst I'm conducting these internal chats, I quite often think things are funny.  It goes both ways; sometimes, I have a go at myself.  On the way to start writing this, I spilt a cup of tea on the stairs and have only just stopped telling myself what a plank I am.  But I digress.

The point is, when it comes to sharing these thoughts aloud with people, they aren't funny.  In fact, I'm often perceived as, well, odd.  That would even be kind.  I think a few of my colleagues would take the point a lot further.  The comedian Eddie Izzard will often deploy a fake notepad on the palm of his hand make a note of when he isn't amusing his audience, which I love and take as my own now.  That often gets me odd looks. 

I've always been aware of the way that people look at me.  When I was in school, I often thought the word “weirdo” or “queer” was tattooed on my forehead because it seemed to be the general consensus of total strangers and passers-by.  Things haven’t really changed much over the years, only I've become more comfortable with the situation.  Yes, I'm a little odd, and yes I like men – if you’d like to make a complaint, write any comments on the back of a self addressed envelope and then shove them up your ass.  It would be a total lie to say that I don’t care entirely.  I wish it was the case, but at heart I am a people pleaser.  I don’t want people to be made to feel uncomfortable by my off beat perspective on life and my odd sense of humour. 

But quickly, you hit an impasse.  If being myself in a very controlled and restricted environment makes people a little uncomfortable, should I moderate myself down in order to make others more comfortable?  And right there is the problem.  I ALREADY AM.  If people think I'm bad now, they should pop in my head for a little visit.  They should hear my internal monologue.  They should witness the constant parade of media clips and one liners.  Its constant.  If you imagine the inner world of Ally McBeal (circa season 1-3 before they forgot about her awesome imagination), then you’re in the right head space. 

The problem at its core ultimately is perception; I perceive myself one way and the rest of the world perceives me another.  Within that separation of perceptions, there is a whole spectrum of people – those who connect with my crazy and those who look at me like I have two heads when I turn on my Gollum voice and quote Lord of the Rings.

http://undergroundchatline.com/web_images/paddedcell.jpg

A common saying I've heard many times in my life is “It wouldn't do for us all to be the same” and the older I get the more I think that’s a giant crock of shit, particularly in the work environment.  We have dress codes and uniforms, rules and regulations over our conduct and the way we work.  Uniformity is the key to big business.  It needs to be.  Consistency is required in order for work to be productive and profitable.  Whilst I understand that, it is not my business I work for and I like to pass the day with the odd film quote, a random story about a bird flying in the house whilst I put the bins out with my house-mate and singing the same song lyric sporadically until it stops playing in my head.

The same goes for my personal life.  I can only assume one of the reasons I don’t do well at making friends is because people need to take time to realise I don’t need to be medicated or sectioned.   Whilst I might not give the most sane of first impressions, it is probably the most accurate one.  Most people are more complex and intricate than they first appear.  I'm an idealist who believes we ought to be able to be who we really are, as long as we don’t make people run to the hills or get out the tranquillisers.  If that means toning it down, I am happy to, but that’s as far as I will go.

All of that being said, I am willing to take feedback to become funnier.  It’s always awkward being the only one laughing at a joke, particularly when it’s my own.

General Ignorance, The Olympics and The Daily Misery

At the anniversary of the Olympics in London, the BBC News programme 'News Beat' disclosed statistics that were supposed to shock us as a nation; that since the Olympic Games were held here, despite the slogan "Inspire a generation", we had not rushed out in throngs to sign up for the gym.  We had not been found running up a sweat through the local park. Every item of loose fitting clothing we posses was not drenched in sweat.  I for one, and I very much doubt anyone reading this will be either, will not be shocked.

I avoid listening to and watching the news where possible.  For shame, this makes me quite ignorant of current issues in the public consciousness.  When the Jimmy Saville Scandal rocked the news, I discovered this through the most reliable of sources; hearsay.  You can tell when something is going on though.  Your phone will vibrate and some politically incorrect joke will let you know that, perhaps, you ought to engage your human-satellite dish and connect with your fellow men.  Mostly, I plod along in my life, just trying to get through.

The sad truth is that the news is a depressing enterprise.  Royal births and marriages monopolise the news when they occur and no one would ever attempt to claim that a birth or marriage is a bad thing (Amendment to previous sentence - I suppose it depends who is getting married!).  Mostly the news is engrossed in the mistakes of train drivers in Spain that resulted in mortalities, a terrible bus accident in Italy,killing more, and the emergence of the plague in America - in the squirrel population, so I don't need to be too neurotic yet.

In all honesty, what sort of a masochist wants to read or watch that?  I would be willing to put money on a bet that most people buy a newspaper in a morning out of a family-encouraged habit, and the same with watching the news.  No one really wants to get bad news.  No news is good news.  Well most of the news is definitely bad.

*Adjusts spotlight* And back to me.

I refuse to believe I am the only one suffering from ignorance based lethargy.  I can't be the only one.  We turn back to my original point.  Despite all the publicity and publications relating to the improvements in your general health and mental well being, are you a regular member of your gym?  Are you often found jogging down the local canal?  Do I see a crowd forming a disorganized queue for the tennis courts?  Do I heck!  If you ever wanted evidence that the general population of the country is lazy, you can see it several ways; important political leaflets that get thrown in to the bin, lack of attendance at polling stations, and a lack of exercise despite the Olympics coming to town.

My age old question: Am I being cynical?  No, this is me being realistic.  The general population are disinterested and lazy.  The two are probably far more connected than anyone has ever given thought.  We are all a little disconnected from each other and as a consequence, we don't engage as much with society.  Perhaps if there were nicer stories in the news... Wait, never mind.  I already stopped reading the newspaper.

The perfect silence

There is nothing more awkward than an awkward conversation, except for an awkward silence. Being face to face or surrounded by people and having nothing to say is the height of social discomfort, save only for misjudging a situation and speaking to someone when you shouldn't. There are instances few and far between when uttering a few words to a stranger in a lift, or on public transport, are permitted; grumbling about a late bus or train, "excuse me, is this yours" or even striking up a conversation at a bar with a total stranger. A Barista once struck up a conversation with me and she became one of my best friends. (If memory serves, she wanted to chat me up.   Wrong bus for her!  God Bless you Kelly - I sure do miss you)

Thanks to the printing press and modern technology, social discomfort, aside from the occasion where one might make eye contact by accident, had all but been abated! If you don't wish to be spoken to or simply want to be left alone, nothing declares it like being buried in a book or the faint hum of base from your headphones.

I'm not antisocial or even anti-socialisation - as I mentioned, one of my best friends was made through a random interaction. Some people just don't know how to read the signs. People checking tickets are exempt from this rule, but I won't pretend it doesn't piss me off when I have to stop the flow of narrative. Some people just feel the need to start talking to you, almost at random about nothing in particular with no grand point to make or information to impart. Rude!

So, in life, nothing pleases me more than the compliance to the "fuck-off-it's-been -a-shitty-day-hence-the-headphones" rule. When people do nothing except move their baggage to accommodate my desire to sit, adjust their headphones and smile, as if to say, “Don’t worry! I've had a shit day too."

Modern day friendship 28.03.13

Recently, I had a crisis; I realised a lot of the people that Facebook had conned me into calling friends were, in fact, not.  Nothing against them, but they really didn’t fit any of the major criteria for friendship; you know, the usual stuff; getting in touch, returning texts or giving a flying fuck.   I gutted my Facebook account of my “fake friends” and went from over 300 to less than 100.  I did the same thing to my contact list in my phonebook (If I have your number, it’s a hell of a lot easier for me to find you now!  The two reasons, in order: 

1.  Cutting dead wood.  Now it might sound a little cruel to disregard people so lightly.  Ultimately, I see Facebook and all other manner of social mediums of communication as just that.  However, there is an element of laziness to them.  If you want to check up on someone, you can check their posts and leave a comment… along with everyone else.  It leaves a little to be desired for the fundamentals of human connection.  Just remember 100 years ago, the main mode of communication across long distances was still “snail mail”.  I cannot remember the last time I sent a letter.

2.  I wanted to see if they noticed. Yes, I know.  How adolescent of me!  But I’m being honest.  I wondered if any of them would get in touch with me and check in  I was disappointed by reminded  myself that I knew there was a slim to nil chance they ever would.

Don’t misunderstand me,  I’m not bitter in the slightest.  I will even admit to being somewhat lonely on occasion, but I remind myself that the friends I do still keep from “before the purge”, whilst many are far away are still friends and I value and treasure that.

Whilst I was thinking about all this, I did begin to ponder about “The Others”.  Who are they you might ask?  These are the people who I have met via various online modes of communication, who know plenty about me, check in with me regularly, but who I have never met.  Can I call these people from the internet my “friends”?. 

It’s a difficult one, I’ll grant you.  But when you break it down, one of my best friends in the world lives in Kent and she pointed out that we haven’t seen each other since early November.  We keep in touch, despite my developing allergy to telephone calls outside of business hours.

With the internet being so prevalent in our day to day lives, there is a certain ease that comes with friendships.  We can get in touch with those we choose at any moment for a genuine connection, even if it is miles apart.  And when you look at it like that, it isn’t so different from snail mail.

I choose to call these people my friends and I hope they would think of me the same.  Despite communication being a doddle in the modern world, I think we should all admit that sitting down for a brew and a catch up is preferred to the rapid thumb movements across a touch screen keyboard. I’m going to make an effort to meet up with some of my new friends and keep in better touch with some of my old ones.  Don’t send a bullshit chain email to everyone in your address book saying how much they mean to you!  Make an effort through whatever means you have at your disposal. 

Image borrowed from zomm.com