Dear November,
Having watched Miss Carrie Hope Fletcher make a series of videos to her favourite season, I felt the need, at least once, to write a
letter to my month. It sounds peculiar
to refer to you as ‘my’ month, but being the month of my birth, it always felt
like November was my month. I don’t
think I've ever admitted it until now.
After last year and the events I’ll be remembering in a few weeks, it
might take a long time before it stops feeling as though it’s my Gran's month.
Watching a video where Carrie talked about feeling creative
and the ebbs and flows, needing to act on them when she felt them strike, I
felt somewhat guilty, November. I've
been ignoring an idea in my mind for a few weeks now. Watching scary films last night as my homage
to Halloween made me realise that. I
didn't like it. Choosing my second film
to be about a writer, being forced to write for his life under the care of a
nurse with the world worst bedside manner made me realise something; there is
no one stood over me making me write for me life. I can do it whenever I want. And I enjoy doing it. So why avoid one of the things that makes me
feel the most like myself in all the world?
It feels childish to even admit it, but it is how I feel.
There has to come a point at which I stop ignoring what I
want to be doing and surrender to it. I'm
scared of the failure. Despite my
knowing that I can’t grow without my failure, and despite knowing that I won’t
fail if I don’t try, I'm still sat here filled with dread. Even writing this to “warm up” feels like
avoidance of what I know I should be doing.
I could have started last night, but I didn't. I could have started as soon as I got out of
bed. It’s now mid-afternoon and all I
have managed to do so far is procrastinate from what I really want to and feel
like I should be doing.
So here is my hope for this month, November. This is my hope for us together and what I
might do. I hope to write in theNaNoWrMo. One whole month to write in
every single say, at least 1667 words a day towards a story that I've just
decided it will have to be. I have no
idea where to begin or what to do.
But I’m doing it.
Starting now. All my love to you,
November.
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