I like to think that I'm funny and that might be part of the
problem. I know my own sense of humour
very well; I am a very simple creature when it comes to making me chuckle. Innuendo, sexual humour, silliness in general
and a well worded pun are almost always going to get the giggle juices
flowing.
I'm less worried these days about
the voice in my head. Having checked in
with some definitely sane people to discover that they have chats with
themselves in their heads as well, I don’t feel the need to be concerned about
myself. Whilst I'm conducting these
internal chats, I quite often think things are funny. It goes both ways; sometimes, I have a go at
myself. On the way to start writing
this, I spilt a cup of tea on the stairs and have only just stopped telling
myself what a plank I am. But I digress.
The point is, when it comes to sharing these thoughts aloud
with people, they aren't funny. In fact,
I'm often perceived as, well, odd. That
would even be kind. I think a few of my
colleagues would take the point a lot further.
The comedian Eddie Izzard will often deploy a fake notepad on the palm
of his hand make a note of when he isn't amusing his audience, which I love and
take as my own now. That often gets me
odd looks.
I've always been aware of the way that people look at
me. When I was in school, I often
thought the word “weirdo” or “queer” was tattooed on my forehead because it
seemed to be the general consensus of total strangers and passers-by. Things haven’t really changed much over the
years, only I've become more comfortable with the situation. Yes, I'm a little odd, and yes I like men –
if you’d like to make a complaint, write any comments on the back of a self
addressed envelope and then shove them up your ass. It would be a total lie to say that I don’t
care entirely. I wish it was the case,
but at heart I am a people pleaser. I don’t
want people to be made to feel uncomfortable by my off beat perspective on life
and my odd sense of humour.
But quickly, you hit an impasse. If being myself in a very controlled and
restricted environment makes people a little uncomfortable, should I moderate
myself down in order to make others more comfortable? And right
there is the problem. I ALREADY
AM. If people think I'm bad now, they should
pop in my head for a little visit. They
should hear my internal monologue. They
should witness the constant parade of media clips and one liners. Its constant.
If you imagine the inner world of Ally McBeal (circa season 1-3 before
they forgot about her awesome imagination), then you’re in the right head
space.
The problem at its core ultimately is perception; I perceive
myself one way and the rest of the world perceives me another. Within that separation of perceptions, there
is a whole spectrum of people – those who connect with my crazy and those who
look at me like I have two heads when I turn on my Gollum voice and quote Lord
of the Rings.
A common saying I've heard many times in my life is “It
wouldn't do for us all to be the same” and the older I get the more I think that’s
a giant crock of shit, particularly in the work environment. We have dress codes and uniforms, rules and
regulations over our conduct and the way we work. Uniformity is the key to big business. It needs to be. Consistency is required in order for work to
be productive and profitable. Whilst I
understand that, it is not my business I work for and I like to pass the day
with the odd film quote, a random story about a bird flying in the house whilst
I put the bins out with my house-mate and singing the same song lyric sporadically
until it stops playing in my head.
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The same goes for my personal life. I can only assume one of the reasons I don’t do
well at making friends is because people need to take time to realise I don’t need
to be medicated or sectioned. Whilst I
might not give the most sane of first impressions, it is probably the most accurate
one. Most people are more complex and
intricate than they first appear. I'm an
idealist who believes we ought to be able to be who we really are, as long as
we don’t make people run to the hills or get out the tranquillisers. If that means toning it down, I am happy to,
but that’s as far as I will go.
All of that being said, I am willing to take feedback to
become funnier. It’s always awkward
being the only one laughing at a joke, particularly when it’s my own.
