Starting. Again. 24.09.15

There is a very distinct problem with restarting something.  I don’t mean going back to the beginning.  I mean picking up where you left off and trying to figure out where you were when you last put it down.  It’s not the easiest thing to do, even when it’s a finite box-shaped thing.  It took me over six months to complete Final Fantasy XIII because I kept stopping and starting with game play.  I think I could have had it done in about six weeks if I hadn’t kept stopping and starting.  Except what I’m talking about doing is … well… it’s like trying to play Final Fantasy XIII, with it’s three discs for the Xbox 360, hiding them in different rooms, locking the doors and hiding the keys.  And then there is the boss to defeat before you can even start looking!  It’s a far more complicated shape, in lots of pieces and I’m not even sure where all those pieces are.

After a very long holiday, I’m coming back to my writing.  I think one of the things I’ve mentioned most often on my blog is my good intentions to go back to my writing and how this will be done.  Yeah, not been the most glorious of successes so far.  But I think I might have figured out why. 

Yesterday, I watched a YouTube video that might get its own special blog at a later point, not sure yet.  But from there I found this;

One of the things that I liked was that Marie Forleo suggested the use of Evernote.  I was feeling quite pumped-up and eager to start some work, but had no idea where to begin.  Where would I, of all people, begin when I’m feeling a bit daunted by the task at hand?  Where else?! A list.  Excellent!  So I got a new app to play with and started work.  What I discovered the more I delved in was how incredibly scattered everything do with my writing is.  Some of it is hiding on paper in various notebooks (off the top of my head, there are at least 10 that have something to do with my writing), notes on my phone, documents on my computer, all in different folders and then there are the post it notes.  Let us not even begin to discuss the post it notes (Discs, rooms, keys – you with me now?). 

Then you have the creeping fear… the voice at the back of your head… Whenever I try and get organised, I always feel like I’m avoiding actually doing the work at hand.  Rationally, I know that sometimes the best thing to do is take a step back and check you know where and who you are before you set off on a mission.  But when I’ve been putting off doing something for so long, I start to doubt my own intentions.  Am I just avoiding doing what I said I would do because I think whatever I try and write is going to be no good? 

What’s a creative guy to do when he doesn’t know where to start?  Check in with his sister, of course.  Like my mother, she can smell bullshit a mile away, even when the wind is blowing the wrong way.  She thinks it’s a good idea?  Yatta!  Away we go.

Then you get that massive sinking feeling as your list just gets bigger and bigger of things to do. And oh Lord has it grown.  There were three items on it when I started.  I think now I have about 35 various sized bullet points to work at.   Best thing though?  They’re all together in one place, on Evernote, which is in my pocket most of the time.  Should I think of something to do or want to have a look at where I’m up to, I can just take a look.  If I need to do some major typing, I have it downloaded on my computer.  I’m ready to rock and roll; I know where I’m going and what I need to do to get there.  Excellent.  Yatta!  Again!

So, what’s my beef?  Where’s the boss to defeat?  Have you ever projected your insecurities from yourself squarely on to the person you love the most, just because they’re there and convenient?  I’ve had my partner living with my now for a few months and its going great.  One of the things I always struggle with is asking for things I need from someone else.  It’s a whole messiah-martyr-complex thing.  Thing is, when you’re living with someone for the first time and you’re looking for their agreement that you can go and hide in the back room with your laptop and ignore them for hours at a time, you really need to check in with them first before you start doing that.  It’s only fair!  But that means you have to actually speak to them and anyone that knows me knows how useless I am at dealing with conversations that I find difficult.  In my head, I’d convinced myself he was going to laugh at me and tell me I was being stupid.  I was going to end up rowing with him and severely resenting him.  I started to think about that and asked for some more advice from Laura.  As I sat and mulled it over with a brew, I quickly realised that the person who was laughing at me, telling me I was stupid and being resented were all me.  Not him.  Just me.  And there’s the boss it’s going to take me a while to defeat.

Armed with my tentative (and believe me, it was tentative) optimism that everything was going to be fine, armed with Evernote – at this point, with about three items on it – I went to speak to him… and here I am, knowing that he is supporting me.  I have to admit, I’ve been less than supportive of myself than he has been off me in the last 24 hours, but there we go.  I should learn from his example.

So, why write a blog about it all?  Because it’s on my list of things to do.  I promised myself I would write it all down and celebrate the fact I was actually trying again.  All I have to do is a little bit every day and I’m making progress.  And that’s more than good enough for me.

And to exit?  A nice photo I took.  See you all soon.

A nice picture I took on my way home from work 17/09/15

A change of scenery, the ebb and flow and finding calm – 15.07.15

It’s been far too long since I’ve visited this blog to make a post; I’ve left it for too long, favouring doing other things. The thing I’ve realised in this last few days is that quite a few of those things aren’t doing for me what I really need them to. I realised quite a while ago that I need certain things in order to feel like myself and to be the most authentic version of me. Writing on here – writing in general in fact! – is one of them. But for some reason I don’t do that. In fact, I go as far as to avoid it. I think about doing it a lot. In fact, if I spend all the time that I think about writing on my blog or towards creative writing endeavours, I would probably have finished that novel I’m ignoring by now. 

But, tonight, in my little corner of the world, I have intended to and, am actually, writing with the intention to upload. For novelty perhaps, I’ve come to sit in my backyard at my newly gifted chair and table. Curiously, I’ve chosen to write on my knee instead of at the table. I don’t really know why, but it feels good, so I’m going with it. The kids of the neighbouring houses have gone to bed, so I have a cup of tea and some relaxing listening. Some local wildlife is eyeballing me through a window, wondering what the hell this guy is doing. But the sky is incredibly blue and there’s a light chill in the air. I’m feeling good and calm. So, here I am. 

I suppose the reason I’ve decided that I really needed – yes, needed – to do this was a video I watched last night on Youtube.  

Where John so talks about doing certain things “fills him up” is exactly how I feel about some of the stuff in my life that a lot of people do not do. No, thousands of people are probably not going to read this, but doing it makes me feel good. And I don’t do that enough. I suppose my intent now, moving forward-onward-and-generally-in-a-linear-fashion, is to continue with a commitment I made to myself a while ago that I’ve really not been upholding the end of the bargain on. 

A lot has changed since I last wrote on here. I’m happier now than I’ve been in years. I have two new people in my life; one my beautiful boyfriend and one, my beautiful Kitty, Sebastian (he comes with many aliases, mostly Iddy-Biddy-Kitty. 

Yes, I've become one of those people who takes far too many photo's of their cat!! Taken 05/07/15

Things are changing for me. In really good ways. I suppose half the reason I’ve come back here is because the happiness I’m feeling is coming from external sources. What’s wrong with that? Nothing much. But what about what I was doing before I met him and started to have a furry knee heater? I was trying to work on my craft. No, I wasn’t always succeeding, but I was trying. I’ve stopped trying. 

 I think I have rambled on here before about how badly I deal with change and whilst the changes I’ve undergone in the last six months have been hugely positive, it’s been a massive struggle for me to adjust. It’s amazing how easy it is to accept mediocrity as life and “getting by” is good enough. But it isn’t for me. I want for myself than that. And I haven’t really been trying. 

But having someone new in my life, who I adore, makes me want to try and do more things. He’s a huge “enabler” in the best terms of the word. He makes me feel more like me. But do I do those things that I ought to do to make me feel more like me? No. Why? Ultimately, the only answer I can hit upon is that I’m 4 parts laziness to 1 part sabotage. It’s easier for me to make excuses about time and commitments than it is for me to commit to myself. Taking the time to sit here and type away like this confronts me with me. When you’ve been ignoring anyone for a while and are forced to look them in the face and say, “Hey gurl, what’s been going on wichu?” it’s awfully hard to hold the eye contact. I have a lot to celebrate in my life. Am I doing that in a truthful and honest way to myself? No. Should I be? Oh Helllllll to the yes!!!!! 

 I think a lot of the time, I set myself up for a fall, professionally and personally, by over committing myself. I like to think I can do anything and do everything all at the same time. Reality bites me on the ass each and every time to remind me “No, dear. You’re human, just like the rest of us.” So instead of promising myself that I WILL write on this blog every week, I’m going to leave it open. If I post again in a months’ time, that’s a hell of a lot sooner than my last post. It’s a matter of ebb and flow. I need to keep the ebb “up” so that I don’t run out of flow. 

I’ve missed this blog and hope to see you soon. 

Michael xx

Towards the Light 15.12.14

If you were unfortunate enough to read of my blog submissions in the Letters to November series, you’ll have noticed (as I did) that I have a very ambiguous relationship with light and the lack thereof in the winter months.  This morning, I tried to take a picture to show it, but my camera on my mobile wasn’t good enough to show it off.  I had a very peculiar experience.  Or rather the lack of clouds allowed me to appreciate it.  Or maybe it was the lack of frost and the lack of clouds that allowed me to appreciate it…  I digress…

I set to walk to work and I was struck by how light it was.  Now then, don’t misunderstand me, it wasn't beautiful glorious day light, nor was it a perfectly clear sky.  However, between the clouds, the sky was indeed a lighter hue of blue than I’m used to at 7am.  I quite enjoyed it.  The way the clouds changed on my way to work, I was constantly headed towards the light.  That sounds a little too much like an allegory for a near death experience and whilst going to work is far from the most pleasant of experiences, I wouldn’t compare it to shuffling the mortal coil. 

For some reason that I can’t quite explain, that experience of moving towards the light has lightened my mood in the darker moments (and there have been a fair few) of my day. 

Somewhere between several urgencies and a severe lack of tea in the equation, by the time I was making for the door at 5pm, my head was killing me.  I was relieved somewhat by the fresh air, but nonetheless, the day had dampened my spirits.  It had been incredibly busy and more work had stayed on my desk than had crossed it completed.  As much as I’m trying to adopt a better approach, I can’t help enjoying a clear desk and a near-empty email inbox.  It’s just who I am.

But for the second time in the day, the clouds were far from complete.  The wind was at my back and it seemed so much to me that the sky was brighter than it has been at that time when I’m heading home.  Once again I was walking towards the light.  

I have no doubt that a geographer or an astronomer would tell me that it’s to do with our position in the northern hemisphere and the season combining with the convenient location of my house to the hospital (I was headed east this morning and headed west this evening).  Boo hiss.  I was greeted by light as I started my day and it welcomed me home this evening.  I like that.

In other news, I have finally reached another benchmark of adulthood.  I have decorated my first Christmas tree.  Not alone I hasten to add.  My exceptionally artistic (and patient) sister http://blog.pageinmyhistory.co.uk/, helped me massively, even providing the decorations.  It has made the whole room feel festive and helped me welcome in the season a little more than I would usually.  The thought occurred to me whilst I sat in the dark with just the lights on later on Saturday evening, that if I’m going to allow myself to be miserable in the lead up to my birthday (with bloody good reason!) I might have to rethink my attitude towards Christmas.  January is the month that I nearly died in when I was 15 and I really don’t want to spend a whole quarter of the year being full of misery and dread.  It took me 9 years to get through January without feeling very maudlin.  Maybe in a few years I can get through December and look forward to Christmas for the duration…

Merry Christmas to me.  Picture taken by http://blog.pageinmyhistory.co.uk/ 13.12.14

All that said… Christmas really should be confined to December. 

Lots of Love to you all and happy holidays.  

The Big What Now... 30.11.14

The problem I always have with finishing anything, be it a book, tv show, computer game, foolish relationship (just saying!) is that once it's done, I feel like I'm at a loose end.  Having finished writing letters to November, I can't help but feel that way again.  The thing that's annoying me ever so slightly is that it's not like I don't have things to be doing.  I'm part way through reading four or five books, I'm half way through writing a novel, I've just started watching Arrow (Oh good god!!); It's not as though I'm short of things to fill my time with.

The problem is that I wanted to keep up with my blog at least once a week.  Doing the letters I've shown myself that's possible... If I give myself something to write about.  I'm not going to do Hate Mail to Christmas/Letters to December, no matter how tempting that may be.  I don't know what to do.  

But at this precise moment, I must go to sleep.  If anyone has any ideas, leave me a comment.  All helpful idea-donations gratefully received!

And also, big thank you to any one who read any of my letters or blog posts over the last month.  The page views have soared through the roof and it shocked me, so thank you for the traffic and support. 

Lots of love.  Michael x

Letters to November 30.11.14 - Goodbye

Dear November

It’s strange to me that this is going to be the last letter I write to you.  I can’t believe that I started writing these to you a month ago.  It feels like things have changed a lot in that time, even though I’m not quite sure.  There are the obvious things; I’m a year older.  The weather has shifted towards the cold and the nights last for what seems like forever; it was hardly light at all today.  So dark and broody.  Maybe that’s the part of you that appeals to me – the inner tortured artist… Oh, how cliché!

It occurred to me last night whilst I was out for works Christmas do that it felt for me, less like a celebration of Christmas and a celebration of this month.  The night out became for me like a birthday night out; I didn’t do much for my birthday and maybe that was a mistake.  I’ve never been a big fan of that but perhaps I ought to try and do something next year.  I don’t know.   All I know is that it felt good to go out and celebrate, whatever the reason.  I wish I could afford to do it more often!  I was so nervous before I went but so glad I did, almost straight away… Well, after I’d had a drink, said hello to the people I knew and found the toilets!  We were on a mezzanine level of a bar so I got to do some people watching.  So strange how looking into the crowd and seeing how young they all looked!  I know I’m hardly old, but maybe my ‘youth’ is behind me now.  And whilst I was sat there nursing a beer, I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s even a bad thing! 

Things have changed a lot for me in so many ways.  When I look back over what is nearly 30 years, it feels ridiculous to say that.  Of course things have changed a lot in 30 years.  In the last century, 30 years encompassed the break out of two world wars; things can change a lot in that time.  It’s so hard to look on what I can remember of that time and feel confused – how can things have changed so much but still for everything to feel so… consistent?  Maybe it’s the flow of continuity.  Thinking about it, two of the biggest changes that have ever taken place in my life and I wasn’t awake of conscious for either of them!    I’m going to include a photo I took a few days ago.  It’s the old hospital building that was closed years ago.  They’ve demolished most of the site now and are building houses there.  Looking at it today, curled up on the sofa with my aching head from one too many drinks last night, it made me sad to think they’re knocking down the building where I had my tonsils out.

Blackburn Royal Infirmary from the canal, taken 26.11.14

Anyway, I digress. 

What I really wanted to say to you today, November, is thank you.  I know that I haven’t written to you every day like I hoped, but the older I get the more I realise that things seldom work out how we hope they will.  But I’m still happy that I did this.  I’m happy I posted them on my blog so that people could get to read my ramblings.  I’m happy that I started working on NaNoWriMo even though I haven’t finished it yet.  I’m happy that I’ve been out twice this month.  I’m happy with so many things.  And writing to you has helped me feel more grateful for what I do have and how lucky I am.  It’s also helped me to really appreciate what I’ve lost.  It’s sad to lose anything or anyone, but not if you get to remember them, even if it’s hard.

I shall sign off and go to bed now.  Thank you for listening to me and keeping me company.  I’ll see you next year.

With all my love.  Michael xx

Letters to November 27.11.14

Dear November,

Today was my first day back at work after being off for a week.  Something has really changed for me and it was never more obvious than today.  I wasn’t happy to be going back after being off; given the choice, I don’t think there are very many days where I’d leave the house if I had enough milk and tea bags!  But I wasn’t filled with dread as I walked up the hill.  I had lots to do after being off for a week – same as usual.  But that hasn’t even stressed me out.    I’ve known for a long while that I get less done the stressed out I am; I flap.  I get little done and I just flap and get none of it done, which is more stressful.  None of that today, November.  And I got so much done!  Don’t get me wrong, I still have more to do, but it felt good.

All of that said, taking up communion with my sofa cushions and watching some TV, with a brew in one hand and the remote in the other… Ahhhhhh sweet Sanctuary.  It never feel more wonderful to be home than after being at work for the day.  But something about being curled up the TV on just hasn’t hit the spot tonight.  I’ve done some rearranging of playlists on Spotify and now, I’m quite happy to be listening to music and writing this to you, even though I know I’m really not saying anything important.  I suppose it’s more for me that I’m writing this.

The thing that sort of worries me?  I’ve not kept up with writing this every day, but I’m made a good job of trying – the best that can be hoped for in my book!  But I worry I won’t keep up with my blog when I don’t feel like I ought to write.  I’m more lazy than I would like to admit, November.  That’s the true.  I get made at myself for being that way and then things happen.  But it would be so much easier if I didn’t have to be frustrated with myself for not doing something and just crack on and do it instead. 

I don’t want to stagnate again; doing NaNoWriMo and this… it makes it easier to write, just though writing more.  Maybe it’s the discipline of just writing, even though I don’t know what to say.  The thing I’m appreciating more and more is that every time I don’t know how to say something or what to say at all, it’s a lie – I do, I just can’t find the words to sat it right.  And that’s the wonder of editing.  Why stress out about the few words that I know aren’t right when I can go back and fix it later? 

Anyway, I’m out of tea and it’s getting on for bed time.  Take care and sleep well, November.

Letters to November 25.11.14

Dear November.

Today’s letter come’s to you from my dining room table.  I know, novelty of variety in my working space! 

I was going to write this to you when I’d made my dinner but the mince I removed from the freezer more than 24 hours ago is still not defrosted…  So whilst that does its thing in the microwave, I thought I could send you a little catch up.

I haven’t done an awful lot today.  Most of the time I’ve been awake has been on the phone to my mum or my sister.  Nothing wrong with that!  I quite enjoyed it.  When I wasn’t proving the worth of my limitless minutes contract with O2, I have been doing little bits around the home.  Going to my mum’s to hang her new net curtains for her and clean her windows yesterday has given me a bit of a push.  There is nothing wrong with my house, but were several little things that really needed doing; things that I’d been putting off doing for reasons I can’t even offer!  Realising this pissed me off somewhat so I decided to crack on and do it.  I’m now in the space where I want to do everything all at the same time, hence typing whilst I wait for the meat to defrost. 

Just to let you know, November; after I finished writing to you yesterday, I didn’t do any writing.  However, I did do something just as good – planning!  I sat down with my pin-board and a block of memo notes and started writing things down and pinning them on my board.  I have 4 questions that I need to answer and a loose end in the back story I need to tie up.  Granted, one of those questions is a big question mark over what is going to happen at the climax of the story, but I know how I’m getting to the end now, which I didn’t know before.  I still feel a bit guilty knowing that I’m going to have to kill off one of my characters… Even worse, one that I like, but never mind.   Has to be done.  When I’ve finished cooking my dinner, I fully intend to do some writing before I let myself curl up and watch a DVD.

Oooh! Ding, defrosting is done.

I hope the day has you in as good as mood as I am today.