Starting. Again. 24.09.15

There is a very distinct problem with restarting something.  I don’t mean going back to the beginning.  I mean picking up where you left off and trying to figure out where you were when you last put it down.  It’s not the easiest thing to do, even when it’s a finite box-shaped thing.  It took me over six months to complete Final Fantasy XIII because I kept stopping and starting with game play.  I think I could have had it done in about six weeks if I hadn’t kept stopping and starting.  Except what I’m talking about doing is … well… it’s like trying to play Final Fantasy XIII, with it’s three discs for the Xbox 360, hiding them in different rooms, locking the doors and hiding the keys.  And then there is the boss to defeat before you can even start looking!  It’s a far more complicated shape, in lots of pieces and I’m not even sure where all those pieces are.

After a very long holiday, I’m coming back to my writing.  I think one of the things I’ve mentioned most often on my blog is my good intentions to go back to my writing and how this will be done.  Yeah, not been the most glorious of successes so far.  But I think I might have figured out why. 

Yesterday, I watched a YouTube video that might get its own special blog at a later point, not sure yet.  But from there I found this;

One of the things that I liked was that Marie Forleo suggested the use of Evernote.  I was feeling quite pumped-up and eager to start some work, but had no idea where to begin.  Where would I, of all people, begin when I’m feeling a bit daunted by the task at hand?  Where else?! A list.  Excellent!  So I got a new app to play with and started work.  What I discovered the more I delved in was how incredibly scattered everything do with my writing is.  Some of it is hiding on paper in various notebooks (off the top of my head, there are at least 10 that have something to do with my writing), notes on my phone, documents on my computer, all in different folders and then there are the post it notes.  Let us not even begin to discuss the post it notes (Discs, rooms, keys – you with me now?). 

Then you have the creeping fear… the voice at the back of your head… Whenever I try and get organised, I always feel like I’m avoiding actually doing the work at hand.  Rationally, I know that sometimes the best thing to do is take a step back and check you know where and who you are before you set off on a mission.  But when I’ve been putting off doing something for so long, I start to doubt my own intentions.  Am I just avoiding doing what I said I would do because I think whatever I try and write is going to be no good? 

What’s a creative guy to do when he doesn’t know where to start?  Check in with his sister, of course.  Like my mother, she can smell bullshit a mile away, even when the wind is blowing the wrong way.  She thinks it’s a good idea?  Yatta!  Away we go.

Then you get that massive sinking feeling as your list just gets bigger and bigger of things to do. And oh Lord has it grown.  There were three items on it when I started.  I think now I have about 35 various sized bullet points to work at.   Best thing though?  They’re all together in one place, on Evernote, which is in my pocket most of the time.  Should I think of something to do or want to have a look at where I’m up to, I can just take a look.  If I need to do some major typing, I have it downloaded on my computer.  I’m ready to rock and roll; I know where I’m going and what I need to do to get there.  Excellent.  Yatta!  Again!

So, what’s my beef?  Where’s the boss to defeat?  Have you ever projected your insecurities from yourself squarely on to the person you love the most, just because they’re there and convenient?  I’ve had my partner living with my now for a few months and its going great.  One of the things I always struggle with is asking for things I need from someone else.  It’s a whole messiah-martyr-complex thing.  Thing is, when you’re living with someone for the first time and you’re looking for their agreement that you can go and hide in the back room with your laptop and ignore them for hours at a time, you really need to check in with them first before you start doing that.  It’s only fair!  But that means you have to actually speak to them and anyone that knows me knows how useless I am at dealing with conversations that I find difficult.  In my head, I’d convinced myself he was going to laugh at me and tell me I was being stupid.  I was going to end up rowing with him and severely resenting him.  I started to think about that and asked for some more advice from Laura.  As I sat and mulled it over with a brew, I quickly realised that the person who was laughing at me, telling me I was stupid and being resented were all me.  Not him.  Just me.  And there’s the boss it’s going to take me a while to defeat.

Armed with my tentative (and believe me, it was tentative) optimism that everything was going to be fine, armed with Evernote – at this point, with about three items on it – I went to speak to him… and here I am, knowing that he is supporting me.  I have to admit, I’ve been less than supportive of myself than he has been off me in the last 24 hours, but there we go.  I should learn from his example.

So, why write a blog about it all?  Because it’s on my list of things to do.  I promised myself I would write it all down and celebrate the fact I was actually trying again.  All I have to do is a little bit every day and I’m making progress.  And that’s more than good enough for me.

And to exit?  A nice photo I took.  See you all soon.

A nice picture I took on my way home from work 17/09/15

A change of scenery, the ebb and flow and finding calm – 15.07.15

It’s been far too long since I’ve visited this blog to make a post; I’ve left it for too long, favouring doing other things. The thing I’ve realised in this last few days is that quite a few of those things aren’t doing for me what I really need them to. I realised quite a while ago that I need certain things in order to feel like myself and to be the most authentic version of me. Writing on here – writing in general in fact! – is one of them. But for some reason I don’t do that. In fact, I go as far as to avoid it. I think about doing it a lot. In fact, if I spend all the time that I think about writing on my blog or towards creative writing endeavours, I would probably have finished that novel I’m ignoring by now. 

But, tonight, in my little corner of the world, I have intended to and, am actually, writing with the intention to upload. For novelty perhaps, I’ve come to sit in my backyard at my newly gifted chair and table. Curiously, I’ve chosen to write on my knee instead of at the table. I don’t really know why, but it feels good, so I’m going with it. The kids of the neighbouring houses have gone to bed, so I have a cup of tea and some relaxing listening. Some local wildlife is eyeballing me through a window, wondering what the hell this guy is doing. But the sky is incredibly blue and there’s a light chill in the air. I’m feeling good and calm. So, here I am. 

I suppose the reason I’ve decided that I really needed – yes, needed – to do this was a video I watched last night on Youtube.  

Where John so talks about doing certain things “fills him up” is exactly how I feel about some of the stuff in my life that a lot of people do not do. No, thousands of people are probably not going to read this, but doing it makes me feel good. And I don’t do that enough. I suppose my intent now, moving forward-onward-and-generally-in-a-linear-fashion, is to continue with a commitment I made to myself a while ago that I’ve really not been upholding the end of the bargain on. 

A lot has changed since I last wrote on here. I’m happier now than I’ve been in years. I have two new people in my life; one my beautiful boyfriend and one, my beautiful Kitty, Sebastian (he comes with many aliases, mostly Iddy-Biddy-Kitty. 

Yes, I've become one of those people who takes far too many photo's of their cat!! Taken 05/07/15

Things are changing for me. In really good ways. I suppose half the reason I’ve come back here is because the happiness I’m feeling is coming from external sources. What’s wrong with that? Nothing much. But what about what I was doing before I met him and started to have a furry knee heater? I was trying to work on my craft. No, I wasn’t always succeeding, but I was trying. I’ve stopped trying. 

 I think I have rambled on here before about how badly I deal with change and whilst the changes I’ve undergone in the last six months have been hugely positive, it’s been a massive struggle for me to adjust. It’s amazing how easy it is to accept mediocrity as life and “getting by” is good enough. But it isn’t for me. I want for myself than that. And I haven’t really been trying. 

But having someone new in my life, who I adore, makes me want to try and do more things. He’s a huge “enabler” in the best terms of the word. He makes me feel more like me. But do I do those things that I ought to do to make me feel more like me? No. Why? Ultimately, the only answer I can hit upon is that I’m 4 parts laziness to 1 part sabotage. It’s easier for me to make excuses about time and commitments than it is for me to commit to myself. Taking the time to sit here and type away like this confronts me with me. When you’ve been ignoring anyone for a while and are forced to look them in the face and say, “Hey gurl, what’s been going on wichu?” it’s awfully hard to hold the eye contact. I have a lot to celebrate in my life. Am I doing that in a truthful and honest way to myself? No. Should I be? Oh Helllllll to the yes!!!!! 

 I think a lot of the time, I set myself up for a fall, professionally and personally, by over committing myself. I like to think I can do anything and do everything all at the same time. Reality bites me on the ass each and every time to remind me “No, dear. You’re human, just like the rest of us.” So instead of promising myself that I WILL write on this blog every week, I’m going to leave it open. If I post again in a months’ time, that’s a hell of a lot sooner than my last post. It’s a matter of ebb and flow. I need to keep the ebb “up” so that I don’t run out of flow. 

I’ve missed this blog and hope to see you soon. 

Michael xx