There is a very distinct problem with restarting
something. I don’t mean going back to
the beginning. I mean picking up where
you left off and trying to figure out where you were when you last put it
down. It’s not the easiest thing to do,
even when it’s a finite box-shaped thing.
It took me over six months to complete Final Fantasy XIII because I kept
stopping and starting with game play. I
think I could have had it done in about six weeks if I hadn’t kept stopping and
starting. Except what I’m talking about
doing is … well… it’s like trying to play Final Fantasy XIII, with it’s three
discs for the Xbox 360, hiding them in different rooms, locking the doors and
hiding the keys. And then there is the
boss to defeat before you can even start looking! It’s a far more complicated shape, in lots of
pieces and I’m not even sure where all those pieces are.
After a very long holiday, I’m coming back to my writing. I think one of the things I’ve mentioned most
often on my blog is my good intentions to go back to my writing and how this
will be done. Yeah, not been the most
glorious of successes so far. But I
think I might have figured out why.
Yesterday, I watched a YouTube video that might get its own
special blog at a later point, not sure yet.
But from there I found this;
One of the things that I liked was that Marie Forleo suggested
the use of Evernote. I was feeling quite
pumped-up and eager to start some work, but had no idea where to begin. Where would I, of all people, begin when I’m
feeling a bit daunted by the task at hand?
Where else?! A list.
Excellent! So I got a new app to
play with and started work. What I discovered
the more I delved in was how incredibly scattered everything do with my writing
is. Some of it is hiding on paper in
various notebooks (off the top of my head, there are at least 10 that have something
to do with my writing), notes on my phone, documents on my computer, all in
different folders and then there are the post it notes. Let us not even begin to discuss the post it
notes (Discs, rooms, keys – you with me now?).
Then you have the creeping fear… the voice at the back of
your head… Whenever I try and get organised, I always feel like I’m avoiding
actually doing the work at hand.
Rationally, I know that sometimes the best thing to do is take a step
back and check you know where and who you are before you set off on a
mission. But when I’ve been putting off
doing something for so long, I start to doubt my own intentions. Am I just avoiding doing what I said I would
do because I think whatever I try and write is going to be no good?
What’s a creative guy to do when he doesn’t know where to
start? Check in with his sister, of
course. Like my mother, she can smell
bullshit a mile away, even when the wind is blowing the wrong way. She thinks it’s a good idea? Yatta!
Away we go.
Then you get that massive sinking feeling as your list just
gets bigger and bigger of things to do. And oh Lord has it grown. There were three items on it when I
started. I think now I have about 35
various sized bullet points to work at.
Best thing though? They’re all
together in one place, on Evernote, which is in my pocket most of the
time. Should I think of something to do
or want to have a look at where I’m up to, I can just take a look. If I need to do some major typing, I have it
downloaded on my computer. I’m ready to
rock and roll; I know where I’m going and what I need to do to get there. Excellent.
Yatta! Again!
So, what’s my beef?
Where’s the boss to defeat? Have
you ever projected your insecurities from yourself squarely on to the person
you love the most, just because they’re there and convenient? I’ve had my partner living with my now for a
few months and its going great. One of
the things I always struggle with is asking for things I need from someone
else. It’s a whole
messiah-martyr-complex thing. Thing is,
when you’re living with someone for the first time and you’re looking for their
agreement that you can go and hide in the back room with your laptop and ignore
them for hours at a time, you really need to check in with them first before
you start doing that. It’s only
fair! But that means you have to
actually speak to them and anyone that knows me knows how useless I am at
dealing with conversations that I find difficult. In my head, I’d convinced myself he was going
to laugh at me and tell me I was being stupid.
I was going to end up rowing with him and severely resenting him. I started to think about that and asked for
some more advice from Laura. As I sat
and mulled it over with a brew, I quickly realised that the person who was
laughing at me, telling me I was stupid and being resented were all me. Not him.
Just me. And there’s the boss it’s
going to take me a while to defeat.
Armed with my tentative (and believe me, it was tentative)
optimism that everything was going to be fine, armed with Evernote – at this
point, with about three items on it – I went to speak to him… and here I am,
knowing that he is supporting me. I have
to admit, I’ve been less than supportive of myself than he has been off me in
the last 24 hours, but there we go. I
should learn from his example.
So, why write a blog about it all? Because it’s on my list of things to do. I promised myself I would write it all down
and celebrate the fact I was actually trying again. All I have to do is a little bit every day
and I’m making progress. And that’s more
than good enough for me.
And to exit? A nice photo I took. See you all soon.
And to exit? A nice photo I took. See you all soon.
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| A nice picture I took on my way home from work 17/09/15 |
