But, tonight, in my little corner of the world, I have intended to and, am actually, writing with the intention to upload. For novelty perhaps, I’ve come to sit in my backyard at my newly gifted chair and table. Curiously, I’ve chosen to write on my knee instead of at the table. I don’t really know why, but it feels good, so I’m going with it. The kids of the neighbouring houses have gone to bed, so I have a cup of tea and some relaxing listening. Some local wildlife is eyeballing me through a window, wondering what the hell this guy is doing. But the sky is incredibly blue and there’s a light chill in the air. I’m feeling good and calm. So, here I am.
I suppose the reason I’ve decided that I really needed – yes, needed – to do this was a video I watched last night on Youtube.
Where John so talks about doing certain things “fills him up” is exactly how I feel about some of the stuff in my life that a lot of people do not do. No, thousands of people are probably not going to read this, but doing it makes me feel good. And I don’t do that enough. I suppose my intent now, moving forward-onward-and-generally-in-a-linear-fashion, is to continue with a commitment I made to myself a while ago that I’ve really not been upholding the end of the bargain on.
A lot has changed since I last wrote on here. I’m happier now than I’ve been in years. I have two new people in my life; one my beautiful boyfriend and one, my beautiful Kitty, Sebastian (he comes with many aliases, mostly Iddy-Biddy-Kitty.
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| Yes, I've become one of those people who takes far too many photo's of their cat!! Taken 05/07/15 |
Things are changing for me. In really good ways. I suppose half the reason I’ve come back here is because the happiness I’m feeling is coming from external sources. What’s wrong with that? Nothing much. But what about what I was doing before I met him and started to have a furry knee heater? I was trying to work on my craft. No, I wasn’t always succeeding, but I was trying. I’ve stopped trying.
I think I have rambled on here before about how badly I deal with change and whilst the changes I’ve undergone in the last six months have been hugely positive, it’s been a massive struggle for me to adjust. It’s amazing how easy it is to accept mediocrity as life and “getting by” is good enough. But it isn’t for me. I want for myself than that. And I haven’t really been trying.
But having someone new in my life, who I adore, makes me want to try and do more things. He’s a huge “enabler” in the best terms of the word. He makes me feel more like me. But do I do those things that I ought to do to make me feel more like me? No. Why? Ultimately, the only answer I can hit upon is that I’m 4 parts laziness to 1 part sabotage. It’s easier for me to make excuses about time and commitments than it is for me to commit to myself. Taking the time to sit here and type away like this confronts me with me. When you’ve been ignoring anyone for a while and are forced to look them in the face and say, “Hey gurl, what’s been going on wichu?” it’s awfully hard to hold the eye contact. I have a lot to celebrate in my life. Am I doing that in a truthful and honest way to myself? No. Should I be? Oh Helllllll to the yes!!!!!
I think a lot of the time, I set myself up for a fall, professionally and personally, by over committing myself. I like to think I can do anything and do everything all at the same time. Reality bites me on the ass each and every time to remind me “No, dear. You’re human, just like the rest of us.” So instead of promising myself that I WILL write on this blog every week, I’m going to leave it open. If I post again in a months’ time, that’s a hell of a lot sooner than my last post. It’s a matter of ebb and flow. I need to keep the ebb “up” so that I don’t run out of flow.
I’ve missed this blog and hope to see you soon.
Michael xx
