As it turns out, nothing a good walk wouldn't solve!
It’s a Bank Holiday weekend in England. I didn’t feel the need to join the other
throngs at garden centres or DIY superstores.
Before you judge, I can be quite handy – not all stereotypes are true; I
do love decorating. I didn’t go out on
the lash or pick up a random stranger.
I’ve been at home for most of it.
I had a friend over for wine and Chinese (and maybe to obsess over the
new episode of Doctor Who… BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN, MOFFATT???). It’s been quite a relaxed affair. I’ve done some reading. I’ve watched some films, written in my diary,
listened to some new music.
[Recommendation: If you like
something quite chilled out and easy listening, listen to Paolo Nutini’s Caustic
Love Album - fantastic. Really loving it.] But today, having a free day off work, what
have I found myself doing?
Nothing. Well, I got
up and wrote in my diary. I had a few
cups of tea and ate some of my baking from yesterday. I pottered about and cleaned my
bathroom. I looked to see if anyone
interesting was about on Grindr. I put
my feet up and had several brews. I
wanted to do something but I hadn’t
got a clue what this something was.
I’ve been a little annoyed at myself lately for watching too
music Netflix and hardly picking up a book at all. So I did some more reading… but I wasn’t
really concentrating. I read the same
page 3 times when I gave up and sulked.
I sat staring out of the window for a good ten minutes. This wasn’t going well.
A little voice chirped up in my head and said to me “You
need to get out of your head for a while.
Go for a walk.”
“Where to?” I asked.
“Wherever! But you’re
doing your own head in, so anywhere is better than this.”
Hard to argue with that.
So I changed into some comfy walking shoes, pulled on a fleece and off I
went. Before I left the house, I did
something I hardly ever do… I turned my phone on to airplane mode.
There is a world of difference between getting out of your
head and turning your head off. I spend
too much time with my headphones on, ignoring the world as it is. But I wanted to go for a walk and see the
world. Listening to it tends to annoy me
anyway, so some chilled out Caustic Love and a stroll seemed like a great idea
– clear my head but not disconnect and slob out in from of more Ru Paul’s Drag
Race… Not that I’m dissing Ru Paul, but everything in moderation.
And off I went.
Having no idea where to go or where I wanted to end up, I headed down to
the canal and took the walk. I use the
canal to get home from shopping, to town and back – it’s a lot more direct than
walking down streets and it’s also a lot quieter. But I took the foot path along from where I
normally come off, just to have a look. I
went all Robert Frost on its ass; I will take the footpath less travelled by
and it will make all the difference.
That’s a total lie. I
didn’t. I felt that way as I
walked. I kept going just to see what
was around the next corner or bend. I
knew in a general way what was ahead… if I went far enough, Liverpool! But I had no idea what I would see. I’ve live in this town for most of my life
and I don’t think I’d ever been down this route.
It’s not warm today, but it’s far from cold. The wind was blowing at my back, gently. There was plenty of wildlife. See?
Later note – there should have been a picture of a swan to
go here, but it would seem I’ve lost it.
That’ll teach me.
I won’t bore you with all the details of my traversing the
road out and my route back.
But…
I did have a thought as I was nearing home again. I was feeling calmer and refreshed for having
left the house and done the walk. If I
hadn’t, I might not have done anything at all for the rest of the day; rest
assured, the TV would have gone on and that would probably have been me until
bed time. I began to wonder about what
words you’d use to describe that state of being and how I was feeling. I walked in through the door to my house,
made a brew and Googled the words I’d been feeling, all together, right before
I’d left the house:
Irritable
Agitated
Lethargic
Apathetic
Lack of concentration
I was pretty sure what I would get. And sure enough I did.
This has given me 2 issues…
First of all. I am
not depressed. I have had some issues
with depression in my life and I can firmly tell you that I do have down days;
I am human after all, who doesn’t? But
this was a down day. This confirmed a
belief I came to a long time ago. DO NOT
GOOGLE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL WELL BEING! If you weren’t sick or crazy before you
opened the browser, you will be by the time you’re done.
Second of all. How
easy is it for the world to convince us that we aren’t well? We can be our own GP and shrink in the click
of a button. An intelligent search
engine doesn’t know that I’ve been slobbing around doing nothing all
morning. It doesn’t know me as a person;
the search engine hasn’t asked me if I have any thoughts about ending my own
life (not my own, but other peoples for sure!... Whoops, shouldn’t have said
that) or day dream about running away.
Even those questions need contextualising. After my Gran died, I started looking at how
much it would be to buy my own funeral – they’re expensive, I can’t afford to
die – and what events might lead me there.
It wasn’t a happy time and morbid thoughts weren’t far from my mind. Did I intend to instigate any of them
myself? No. GP’s look for anyone exhibiting suicidal tendencies
in the form of escapism; day dreaming about going away and coming back. Anyone who has seen Shirley Valentine will
know this not abnormal behaviour. A lot
of my leisure activities are all about escapism.
Am I mentally unwell?
All humour aside - I could quickly find you a few people who would tell
you that I probably need medicating because they don’t like my sense of humour
– I very much believe I am not depressed or crazy. But one quick Google search would have me
think I need to consult a medical practitioner as soon as possible.
I am very glad I didn’t Google this BEFORE I left the
house. I was in a bit of a slump. And it was nothing that a walk along the
canal couldn’t solve. I am not saying that
any mental health issues can be cured by walks around lakes or through
Woodland. What I am recommending, other
than Paolo Nutini’s album is this:
1.
Turn your phone on airplane mode and go for a
walk. It will really change how you
feel. It gets you out of your head. Look around and see how beautiful the world
is. Did you see those swans? Get some space form anything and everything
that might be bothering you. Even social
people need their alone time.
2.
Don’t Google your ailments. See a GP, Practise Nurse of Pharmacist. If you’re really worried, even consult a
telephone service like NHS Direct, but for the love of sanity, don’t search for
your symptoms.
3.
If you’re in a bit of a grump, find something to
do. It doesn’t have to be a walk, but I
really do believe that the more we do, the more we want to do… like going for a
walk and coming home to write a blog about the evils of searching for your
mood.
I hope this post finds you in the best of health and
happiness. Lots of love. xx
No comments:
Post a Comment